Junior Ambassadors

Definitely not as funny as "Young Diplomats," since the countries most identifiable with each character had been used already. But shit, I tried!

AUSTRALIA - The myth that Australia is a place full of descendants of British convicts does have some truth to it. When Britain took over Australia during the 18th and 19th centuries, the land down under was established as a large penal colony for people found guilty of crimes in Britain. Because of Britain’s overcrowded prisons and correctional facilities, everyone ranging from food thieves to murderers was sent to Australia, where they lived amongst themselves and ultimately established their own societies. Many lived long enough to reproduce and start families. While immigration to Australia from Europe and Asia has undergone a boom since Australia became a country in 1901, millions of descendants of the original British convicts are still alive today. Nevertheless, Australia enjoys one of the lowest violent crime rates in the industrialized world. However, when it first became a country at the turn of the 20th century, a large number of policies and legislation that favored immigration to Australia by whites made it nearly impossible for non-whites to become assimilated citizens. Collectively known as the “White Australia Policy,” the regulations and policies were slowly disbanded and phased out beginning in 1949. It wasn’t until as recently as 1973, however, that the last of the original White Australia Policy was eliminated. Only two years later, in 1975, did the Australian government pass a law making racial discrimination illegal.

PARAGUAY - Paraguay has done a pretty cracker-jack job of staying out of the international spotlight and bringing unwanted attention to itself since its asshole of a dictator was ousted by an enraged nationalist in 1989. Subsequently, though, few outsiders know much about this enchanted country of just under seven million. It wasn’t until a recent episode of the popular American CBS television show “The Amazing Race” did many westerners get a glimpse of something Paraguay is known for around the world – the Paraguayan bottle dance. Men and women dressed in traditional, colorful garb perform intriguing and meticulous dance moves whilst balancing one or several bottles – empty or full – on their heads, often in parades and public venues.

NIGER - I know what you’re thinking, but it’s pronounced “NYE-jer”, and it’s not to be confused with neighboring Nigeria. Niger has the highest fertility rate in the world; every woman has an average of seven children. That’s a hell of a lot of Von Trapp families. The statistics aren’t surprising, given the geography, poor economy, poverty rates, and lack of infrastructure in much of northern Africa, but heavily-Islamic Niger isn’t at all keen on the idea of birth control. Religious groups throughout the Middle East and the rest of northern Africa have been largely responsible for the eradication of local tribal religions and the spread of Islam around the tenth century, which has been heavily problematic for Niger just as the spread of Christianity has harmed countries in central Africa. Their heavily conservative and religious views encourage them to have more and more children while simultaneously making it harder to provide for themselves and people who have already been born. Subsequently, their isolation from the rest of the world, particularly developed nations, mean there is little opposition and intervention. In addition, religion wars that plague much of middle Africa have meant that the less than one percent of people Niger who identify as Christians are often tortured, killed, or abandoned by society. The country currently ranks dead last on the United Nations’ Human Development Index score, essentially labeling it as the very worst place in the world to live.

ALGERIA - The popular rock band, The Clash, had a huge hit in America and Europe with their 1982 song “Rock the Casbah.” But despite the song achieving worldwide success and becoming a household favorite, people still had no idea what the hell a casbah was. The word refers to a number of types of structures built in ancient Islamic cities designed to protect a political leader, royalty, or wealthy citizens from attackers, usually in the form of high-walled fortresses or towers. Few survive today, but the picturesque northern African nation of Algeria bears what may be the world’s most well-known. Hundreds of thousands of visitors from around Africa and Europe, mainly Tunisia and France, flock to the Casbah of Algiers in the country’s capital city every year for its historic and architectural attributes and breathtaking views. And really, who could resist the idea of giving Kyle a Muslim country, anyway?

SLOVENIA - A Eurostat study from 2007 shows that roughly 92% of Slovenes between 25 and 64 speak two languages, including their own – one of the highest figures for such in the world. In addition, a staggering 72% of the population speak three languages. The most popular and well-known languages behind Slovene are Serbo-Croatian languages (Bosnian, Serbian, Croatian, Montenegrin), English, Hungarian, Italian, and German.

BRAZIL - Brazil is responsible for producing over 5,600,000,000 pounds of coffee a year. That's almost two and a half times more than Vietnam, which comes in second, followed by Colombia. But if you ask anyone, Brazilian or not, what symbolizes their country more than anything else, be prepared to get the same response every time. Football (soccer) is not only Brazil's national sport; it's Brazil's religion. It wouldn't be too surprising to know that a significantly higher proportion of Brazilians follow soccer games and players closely than Canadians with hockey or Americans with football and baseball combined.

ICELAND - In the capital and largest city of Reykjavik (say RAKE-ya-vick), where more than 60% of Icelanders live, there is indeed the world’s largest, and probably the world’s only penis museum. The Icelandic Phallological Museum opened in 1997 by a man who claims he developed an interest in every male’s pride and joy when he was given a whip made from a bull’s penis as a gift. Today, the museum houses over 280 penises from numerous types of animals, all in varying stages of preservation. Ironically, the museum is still struggling to secure and display a human penis, after a donor’s penis removal surgery didn’t quite go as planned, causing it to shrivel up and change color as it was placed in a jar of formalin. Subsequently, the museum’s owner has pledged to find “a younger, bigger, and better one.” Dare to dream, Kenny.

SWITZERLAND - Switzerland is a nation of laws and legislation, arrogance and organization. Asking a Swiss person what time it is may well be considered insulting given the country’s international reputation for making clocks and watches. Punctuality is big in Switzerland, and so is money. Wealthy people around the world have accounts with Swiss banks because of the country’s extremely low tax rates and very high security precautions. This makes it an ideal environment to do business, and the amount of money from all account holders within Swiss banks is very likely to be a huge chunk of the world’s economic value. The number of Swiss-based companies and international corporations doing business in Switzerland is significantly higher than most other countries proportional to the population. Because it’s a neutral country, Switzerland also has no standing army. Instead, in the event of a foreign invasion or takeover, most male Swiss citizens between 20 and 30 are essentially given guns by the government and trained how to use them. I guess you can say the country is run “like clockwork.”

NAURU - Approximately 95% of the people of Nauru are overweight – a shocking statistic even considering the small Pacific island nation has just over 9,000 people. The life expectancy is about 64 years, where heart disease, heart attacks, and strokes are commonplace. It’s also estimated an astounding 40% of the population suffer from type 2 diabetes.

GREECE - The Hellenic Republic, commonly known as “Greece,” has made waves in recent years due to the nation’s economic collapse and subsequent bankruptcy, having been financially bailed out by the European Union. But prior to its fiscal turmoil, it was known around the world for the things it’s still famous for today – gyros, olives, gorgeous cliff-side towns with picturesque blue and white houses, vintage multi-sailed windmills, ancient scientists and mathematicians, and, of course, being the country with one of the highest percentage of smokers in the world. But despite the ironically-high life expectancy of 80 years, scenic landscapes, and high standards of living, Greeks are also known by outsiders, tourists, and even themselves as generally being some of the most arrogant and rude people in the world, even with cultural differences and perspectives set aside. Fuck you too, Craig.

CANADA - Canada is known for a lot of things, but even our friends up north aren’t generally very proud to be associated with one of the most untalented, unintelligent, and atrocious acts in music history. We can’t blame them.

QATAR - The small peninsula nation of Qatar holds the distinction of having the greatest average wealth of any country in the world, as well as the strongest gross domestic product at the purchasing power parity per capita. If that sounds too complicated for you to understand, here's an easier way to say it: They have more money than you. The oil and banking industries have been responsible for generating much of the wealth for Qatar, which is also popular with foreigners, who make up over half the population, and tourists who visit for the weather and more liberal society compared with much of the Middle East.